Giving light to the wounded child.

Thus far, in the many years I have walked through my own inner healing work, I am to this day in awe of how deep our childhood wounds can go. How they can stay with us and become solid and shape-like in our bodies, and then how it can influence so much of what we do as adults.

It does not matter if it is small, medium, large, loud, or subtle. Abuse and trauma can go deep and we carry the mechanisms created from these experiences just to try and keep ourselves safe from further harm. And yes, at times this mechanism can keep us safe, but I question this time and time again. How much of it is keeping me safe and how much of it is hurting me, keeping me small, holding me back, and keeping me from receiving the love I deserve?

Most of my life I have been haunted now and then by the spirit of a young girl. She’s dark, dirty, wet hair, an intense amount of rage emanates from her, she is not to be trusted, she is alone, she messes with my fears, fucks with my nervous system, and frankly looks very dead.

She is me, and always has been. I have spent far too long fearing her unfortunately, when really, why she keeps showing up is that she is in desperate need of love, understanding, to be held, and to be nourished. But instead I have spent much time and energy helping others and not so much myself. I was the kind of professor that carried food in her purse to make sure hungry students were fed. I am the kind of mother and wife that does all those things you do not need to do, and carries far too much emotional weight. I am that young woman who was too busy pushing her way up the mountain, through the thicket, to stop and take care of herself.

Its like I have forgotten I was once a child too. A lonely one I might add. One that was homeless at times, also so hungry it effected my moods greatly. I once wore a thick cotton sock as a menstrual pad because there were no actual pads for me. I rode my bike for miles with no one around and talked to myself. I walked the streets and saw no one even though there were folks walking about. The lost child. The walking dead.

Everyone and anyone I ever loved as a kid I pushed away. Pushed so hard that I lost some of them. I just didn’t trust people, they were not to be trusted and that is what my experiences taught me. I managed to make friendships and get into relationships with dangerous people. People who especially could care less about me. I hurt myself over and over again.

I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and a tremor of rage in my step. I was angry and fearless, a pretty toxic combo when in unhealthy relationship to it if you ask me.

Just the other night young girl came to visit me again. In a dream she appeared in the darkness of my kitchen. I was so startled, I chased her out. She was left looking at me through the front window, and again, I ran to the door, chasing her away screaming, “get out!”

Yet again, I abandoned her.

In reality she is my deepest wound.

This child’s light went out many moons ago, maybe even well before this lifetime. I realized today that she cannot live in wellness without her light, and that it’s really up to me to hold her again. I have now become well equipped with so many healing tools, and it is time to offer her all of them. The home, the safety, the love of her fire, her powerful rage that creates so much good change in the world. Her willingness to be so intensly brave in any environment. But most of all, the love that still remains even after all of those experiences she is capable of so much love, except this time it really needs to go to herself, as much as possible. It is long past the time to bathe in her own love.

So when that dark child appears once again, and you feel as if you are vibrating with fear, remember that this is the moment to breath deep, to stand still, to open your arms out fully, and say, “I never left you, you were always safe with me, I loved you always and the most, and you are the most powerful game changer the world has ever seen. So come back to the light, and shine so bright the world has no choice but to shift its frequency. You are me, and I am you.”